I live my life as me, confused, self-conscious and afraid.
I find it hard to understand how people manage to live their lives like normal people, how the people around me can be genuinely happy in their every day lives, even when it seems everything around me is going right, I have my friends, a lover and a job but I feel always in the back of my head that something is wrong something is out of place, I can never remember being content, I have a weight over my shoulders that I do not know how to lift, I go to bed at night confused and unsure of what I am here in life to succeed, what's the point in me living my life? It's going nowhere fast and I do not know how to fulfil the dreams that never come into my head. I do not dream of travelling around the world or watching my grandchildren grow up, I have no urge to succeed in everything I do, I do not even have an urge to finish writing this, the only reason I do is because I have nothing better to do, I have not yet found a way to cure my extreme sense of uselessness. I do not seem to be making an impact on anyone's life nor do they seem to be making an impact on mine. I rarely find any job tasking and the only way I can stop thinking in circles is by concentrating on something to take my mind off what is in the back of my head. It has been pummelled into me since the day I was born that I have to succeed, I have to be good at something, I have my talents I have my plus points but I do not want to put them to good use, I use them yet I feel I have no use for them, I am insecure in everything I do, I try to portray myself as a 'normal' person, I try to be happy most of the time around my friends, I'll never be the life of the party but I always make the effort, then the effort goes wrong, the people I most want to be there for me end up giving up on me, I get anxious and confused, my last girlfriend split up with me because I was so scared of losing her that I ended up driving her away, I do not understand how I can please people, I never intentionally make anyone feel bad, my intentions are always good yet I seem to be punishing myself by not figuring out what I need to the most. I feel lost in my own head and I do not know how I can put my foot on the right track to my own personal happiness and relieve the stress that I have built up in my head.